The confusing tale of Snow White
by anieveIII
Summary: I'll bet you never thought about the QUEEN's point of view! Well here it is! Please review! Yknow, these story book parodies are getting pretty fun!
1. Default Chapter

The Confusing Story About Snow White

Once, a long long long long long long time ago…

"Hey! That's not how the story goes! What gives?" the Evil Witch shouted. "Quit messin up MY story!! I'll tell you the grisly details of the REAL story your parents were afraid to tell you!!" She suddenly turned into a narrarator.

A long time ago, when I was a young little princess, training for royalty, a handsome young prince happened to come to our fair and vast kingdom in search of the hand in marriage of the beautiful maiden who would be the loving mother of his seven year old child. Naturally, _I_ was the perfect choice. So when he looked my way, he was smitten with a love so powerful he married me without question.

As the years went by, his ungrateful little brat who had once appeared so kind and beautiful became vain, and envious of anyone who shared her queen-like beauty. _EVEN ME!_ She had faked a letter from the royal militia that her father was needed in the much awaited war between Pakistan and India. So, acting like a fool, my wonderful husband (a gullible creature that would fall for anything) bravely rode off into the battle that never was. 

I was so repulsed at what she did, I instructed my bravest hunter to take into the forest and chase her off, where she would be forced to live like a peasent for the rest of her days. I jokingly added to him that he should bring back her heart. How was I supposed to know he would take me seriously? However, instead of her heart, he brought the heart of a young doe. I thought the thick dolt had actually cut out her heart, so I ran off into the forest to find her. Instead I found her living off the company of seven young midgets. She had obviously seduced them with her beauty and convinced them to support her. I saw how badly these poor men were being treated, and vowed to do something about it. So, a few days later, under an old family spell, not black magic of course, I disguised myself as a haggard old woman with no money to live on, and went to her house to peddle apples. I had enchanted these apples so the person who bit into one would fall asleep untill kissed by someone who truly loved them. You see, even though I had a grudge against this girl, I would never resort to violence, as that is the language of cretins.

A few months later, a handsome prince, who quite resembled my husband when I first met _him_, came by and saw a beautiful girl sleeping on a cottage floor. Unable to contain himself, Alexander Charming kissed her on the lips, forgetting all rules of personal space he had been taught. Her eyes fluttered open, and she jumped up and leaped on his horse and rode away, leaving her poor Prince Charming stranded in the forest. I offered him a ride to the palace, and then followed my step daughter on a large trained eagle we keep in the royal zoo. 

I found her lip to lip with Alexander's brother Ronaldo Charming, Cinderella's hubbie. Wait till she find out her man's been cheating! Oh well, now to deal with Snow White. After this shocking sight, I saw Ariel, the mermaid turned human, Cinderella, and Gretal, walking up in a group, to have a 'special' conversation with Snow White. They looked ready to lynch! What a croud! Even my step daughter didn't deserve _that_…

To be continued…


	2. The Middle

The Continuatione of the Confusing Story About Snow White

As you may remember, our hero was left watching a mob of angry women about to lynch her bratty stepdaughter. Here's what happened next:

Just then, my faithful eagle Hope, swooped down, snatched the brat by her arms, and flew us back to the highest mountain in the land. Raggedly breathing, because of the thin air that high up, I told her to fess up, what the heck she was trying to pull, or I would fly home and leave her on the mountain. She refused to talk, so I left her on the unclimbable mountain, where she would have to live on tree roots and insects. Many brave and foolhardy knights and princes tried to rescue her, including her very own Alexander Charming, faithful to the end. However, the cliff was so steep, they were forced to turn back, and some of the bravestknights refused to give up and fell to their deaths on the sharp rocks below. 

Finally, after seven months of trial and error, Alexander Charming remembered my kindness to him in the forest, and asked if I could lend him Hope, the eagle. I thought he was a nice young lad, and agreed, not knowing what he would use it for. He flew straight to the top of Mount Hanorabi and rescued her. As they flew back, something remarkable happened. The mountain blew fire high into the air, with enough pressure to send the molten rock all the way to the sea. I saw it as an evil omen, the mountain was displeased. Snow White must be returned. I made a vow, not to rest untill my stepdaughter was safely back on Mount Hanorabi. Alexander took the gal home to his castle, where he implored his parents whether he may have this girl as his bride. 

"Absolutely not, young man! She lacks the common coeurtesy of a princess. If you are so determined to have this, this WRETCH on the throne, she must pass the royal pea test," his mother said angrily. "If she can feelthe pea under one hundred mattrases, she is delicate enough to be queen." 

That night, the queen set up one hundredmattrases for Snow White. She immediately started complaining aboutbeing forced to sleep on a pile of mattrases, rather than a soft bed with velvet covers.

"I'm satisfied," was all the queen said. "She has queenly taste." 

To be continued…


	3. Some More of the Middle

The other continuation of the confusing tale of Snow White

Snow White lived for several months with her husband, Alexander. I was determined to get her back to Mount Hanorabi before it exploded again. One day, while Alexander was out doing errands for her, I saw my chance. Grabbing her, I flew off with Hope and aimed for the mountain. Seeing that she would have to go back _there_, she exclaimed, "I'd rather die first," and jumped off Hope into the ocean. While she was there, I later found out, whom should she meet, but _Ariel_! 

"Have an affair with _my_ best friend's husband eh? We'll soon see about _that**!" **_Ariel dragged the brat to the surface and took her to a 'visit' to Cinderella. 

"You kissed my Ronaldo!" Cinderella said with clenched teeth. "I declare war between our kingdoms and _you_ are my hostage!"

Well what could I do? I snuck into the palace and cut the ropes that held Snow White prisoner. "You realize I'm not doing this for you, but for the country and that nice young man Alexander, who will probably die trying to save you otherwise. The poor delusional thing. You really don't deserve him," I said angrily. 

When we were free from the palace I took her to my thinking tower, a place I went when I wanted to be alone. There was only a single door and a window. I locked her in and threw away the key. Every day, I flew up to the window on Hope and gave her some food. I didn't want her dead, just kept away from the society she was sure to destroy when she was put onto the throne. 

This went on for years, while Snow White grew a head full of very long and beautiful golden hair.

# To be continued…


	4. Even more of the middle

The Confusing Tale of Snow White Part 4

Well, as you may imagine, poor Alexander was going out of his mind searching for the little brat. I thought of telling him, just to put him out of his misery, but I knew that if I did, he would find some way of 'rescuing' her. Remarkable boy. If only I were a little younger… oh well. 

I was going to visit her and bring her food when without noticing Alexander was following me. You see, the clever lad had seen me leaving the castle every day, and deduced that this may have something to do with his missing lover. As soon as I left the tower Alex,short for Alexander, yelled up, "Is anybody up there?"

"Alex?" came the brat's voice. She was actually glad to see him, not that he was any fun, but he had such devotion to her, he was sure to find some way to get her free.

"Don't worry, honeybunch! I'll get you down!" Alex winced as he realized how mushy he had just sounded. "I'll get you down… somehow… I know! Snow White, Snow White, let down your hair so that I may climb the golden stair… no that wouldn't work… I can just imagine how much _that _would hurt!"

"Why don't I just _jump_ down? You could catch me!"

"But my bad back…" Alex protested weakly. "Oh all right. But try to land gently would you?"

A few seconds later…

"OW!!! I told you I had a bad back!"

"You think you've got it bad! I've got a big scratch on my… er… crazy bone!"

"So wear a hat over it and nobody will notice."

Later…

"Curses!" I shouted. "Why does that dratted Alexander keep saving her! What does _she_ have that I don't? Besides a family, a young husband, beauty, charm, bad table manners, Cheez! That girl really _does_ have everything going for her!"

I needed a new idea. I took her to my candy cottage far away and locked her in a cage where no one could find her, while I pondered the situation. Just then, two little children with grubby faces and no manners started eating my house! _My_ house!

To be continued…


End file.
